r/AskReddit Sep 24 '22

If you had a real Lightsaber, whats the first thing you would do with it?

228 Upvotes

451

u/Powerful-Lettuce317 Sep 24 '22

Probably accidently remove a limb or a digit.

55

u/24-Hour-Hate Sep 24 '22

Yep. I do not have the coordination to be allowed to have this.

29

u/StabbyPants Sep 24 '22

It’s why only Jedi use them. Jedi are fucking stupid

10

u/redfan2009 Sep 25 '22

So Sith are stupid, too?

12

u/StabbyPants Sep 25 '22

stupid and aggro.

5

u/redfan2009 Sep 25 '22

Aggressive, you mean?

21

u/StabbyPants Sep 25 '22

aggro is a perfectly cromulent word

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20

u/acqz Sep 24 '22

Just the tip?

2

u/Jack_In_Black89 Sep 24 '22

Rabbi's are going to be out of a job!

4

u/SilverStrangeTech Sep 24 '22

That's why you should watch "Your Lightsaber and you" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xe_cHy4ClrI) before enjoying your new lightsaber. xD

4

u/bearwood_forest Sep 24 '22

You say "accidentally"...

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245

u/Guinness2702 Sep 24 '22 Helpful Wholesome

Charge it for a minimum of 24 hours using only the supplied charger cable.

45

u/thatCapNCrunch Sep 24 '22

Ensure that it is not left in direct sunlight.

28

u/Guinness2702 Sep 24 '22

Also, watch out for sand, it gets everywhere. Hmm, is this meme still allowed, or should it have been killed with fire and lightsabres long ago?

15

u/S-Markt Sep 24 '22

always check if you got the high ground!

10

u/petersrin Sep 24 '22

Don't let others choose your memes for you. If you hate sand, you're 100% allowed to express that anywhere, anytime, no matter how weird and creepy you may come across...

3

u/Guinness2702 Sep 24 '22

no matter how weird and creepy you may come across...

Sand doesn't have anything to do with that :D

Also I don't mind sand, but it's not good for my mighty weapon .... I mean lightsabre

9

u/LambBrainz Sep 25 '22

WARNING

CHOKING HAZARD --- Lightsaber contains small part. Small parts are not for children under 3 years or any individuals who have a tendency to place inedible objects in their mouths.

4

u/RadiantHC Sep 24 '22

Do lightsabers even have a power supply or are they infinite?

5

u/Guinness2702 Sep 24 '22

I think they have some kind of force charged crystals or something ..... which is why mostly it's only those trained to use the force have them. They get recharged by meditation or some sort of force manipulation.

But I could be totally wrong with all of that tbf

6

u/bbpr120 Sep 25 '22

That's exactly what Big Jedi wants you to think, that only a trained Jedi can charge them.

When in reality they take USB-Micro at 3.0v and the Council doesn't want to admit they've never bothered to update the design to be compliant with current tech standards...

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183

u/JoelCrisp Sep 24 '22

The only right answer is to swing in whilst going "vrrrrrrrrrm" with your mouth only to remember it's real and does it itself.

42

u/FireFighterP55 Sep 24 '22

"Pe-choo! Pe-choo!"

"Are you making... laser noises?"

"All the time in my head. Why? Is that weird?"

10

u/yankstraveler Sep 24 '22

Krillin owned counter ding

7

u/zamfire Sep 25 '22

Naaaail

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6

u/Enyey Sep 25 '22

For those who haven't seen the cutest scene in all of Dragon Ball ZA

it's at the 1:30 mark

3

u/Awkward_Bowler Sep 25 '22

I forgot that Trunk starts doing the noises too, holy shit that's so funny lol

7

u/ZePatator Sep 24 '22

Came here to say this!

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154

u/The_DrPenguin Sep 24 '22

Accidentally kill myself

63

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '22 Take My Energy

Same except it won't be an accident

33

u/ACrispyPieceOfBacon Sep 24 '22

And it won't be myself

2

u/Frietzakj3s Sep 25 '22

I'll kill them. I'll kill them all. They'll be dead, every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women and the children, too. They're like animals, and I'll slaughter them like animals. I hate them!

10

u/riotsquadgaming2 Sep 24 '22

imagine swingin that thing fast enough to slice yourself in half

3

u/YupIzzMee Sep 25 '22

Bottom-up or top-down?

4

u/riotsquadgaming2 Sep 25 '22

both are equally possible

4

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '22

An end to my suffering :)

6

u/Prinzka Sep 25 '22

*our suffering

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3

u/Limenoodle_ Sep 25 '22

I hope you're okay

2

u/existential-mystery Sep 24 '22

ive been looking forward to this

314

u/SaltierThanAll Sep 24 '22

Ruin my chances of getting the security deposit back.

65

u/SilvaMercer Sep 24 '22

Try to cut down a tree just to see if it's possible

22

u/SaltierThanAll Sep 24 '22

Tree falls over on you

6

u/GothicGolem29 Sep 24 '22

Slashes it in half

7

u/Clintonsextapes Sep 24 '22

Farming simulator 22 gots u covered on that

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11

u/Semi_K Sep 24 '22

You have a lightsaber. You’re getting your deposit back plus much more.

8

u/dreedw0317 Sep 24 '22

“Um, you know how the lease says no holes in the walls?”

3

u/smallways Sep 24 '22

"there a are no holes in the wall... What? That didn't work? But I got a lightsaber!"

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245

u/dirty_boy69 Sep 24 '22

The only thing you can do with it: I cut some bread while toasting it the same time.

56

u/koororo Sep 24 '22

So long and thanks for all the fish

7

u/thislifeiffullofcare Sep 24 '22

“A towel, [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have.

21

u/aj_thatdude Sep 24 '22

That first slice will be on a bagel setting

6

u/yeahtheresnohope Sep 24 '22

This is the most beautiful thing I've read in a while

5

u/TheRavenSayeth Sep 24 '22

I get the distinct feeling I would over toast every slice I attempted despite how fast I went.

2

u/everythingiwantedwas Sep 24 '22

so yummy and efficient

2

u/StabbyPants Sep 24 '22

It’s not Star Trek yet, you can’t make a chroniton toaster and toast bread after you’ve eaten it

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3

u/remarkablemayonaise Sep 24 '22

Why isn't this number one? Roast beef?

10

u/dirty_boy69 Sep 24 '22

Because beef takes time to get good. Just heating it up will just destroy a perfect piece of meat.

5

u/remarkablemayonaise Sep 24 '22

Given it's a fictional weapon I trust it has the correct setting. Now to summon the correct dead jedi to help me!

3

u/untakenu Sep 24 '22

A lightsabre with the barbeque setting? Sign me up

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75

u/NorthernGamer71 Sep 24 '22

Finally get to those hedges the wife has been bugging me about

8

u/nsmn84 Sep 24 '22

Only right answer.

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48

u/jules79 Sep 24 '22

Accidentally fuck a lot of shit up.

12

u/thedarkking2020 Sep 24 '22

"Accidentally"

32

u/SandyVapour992 Sep 24 '22

Probably accidentally start a fire within the first five minutes.

65

u/MathematicianBulky40 Sep 24 '22

Hide it. That things gonna get you shot/ arrested/ locked up in a secret government testing facility.

23

u/UnconstrictedEmu Sep 24 '22

My first thought. I already have a bitchin’ laser sword and I don’t want the cops getting their grubby mitts on it. This is staying hidden until the zombie apocalypse or whatever other social collapse happens first.

20

u/Bigchungus230106 Sep 24 '22

What kind of testing facility dude this isn't a Scifi movie and he's not an alien. The weapon would just be permanently confiscated.

5

u/MathematicianBulky40 Sep 25 '22

You are wondering around with a piece of tech that's way beyond anything on earth.

They're gonna assume you're an alien or have been in contact with one.

1

u/Bigchungus230106 Sep 25 '22

No they're not. People on YouTube are already close. It's a weapon that was made made popular in science fiction, on earth. Hacksmith on YouTube is still making things on his channel, he hasn't disappeared. No assumptions are going to be made that your an alien just because you've got lightsaber😐

2

u/[deleted] Sep 25 '22

The stuff the Hacksmith makes is cool, but is nowhere near a real lightsabre

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2

u/MathematicianBulky40 Sep 25 '22

I looked and his stuff is kinda of a glorified blowtorch with a huge backpack. It's not contained within a handle, consistent blade, no need for power source, etc.

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19

u/_____fool____ Sep 24 '22

Just go into a forest and chop down trees.

51

u/Poorly-Drawn-Beagle Sep 24 '22

Taste it

No, that would be silly. Um...

Okay, yeah, taste it.

8

u/am_i_your Sep 24 '22

now I want to put my finger up to the sabre

2

u/Prinzka Sep 25 '22

As someone who could not resist that urge with a power washer I would recommend against it.

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39

u/billy_the_kid47 Sep 24 '22

Over throw the government and replicate the technology of the lightsaber and just make the world Star Wars

60

u/Dr_Fish_99 Sep 24 '22

Mate, you have a hot sword, no magical powers, no training, and no plot armor. You take 1 step on the White House lawn or the Pentagon or wherever you're gonna overthrow the government and you're eating a .50 cal in the chest

27

u/billy_the_kid47 Sep 24 '22

Who said I didn’t have plot armor?

47

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '22

[deleted]

22

u/billy_the_kid47 Sep 24 '22

Or Im the example the main character has to learn from and brutally dies

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8

u/Eupion Sep 24 '22

Who said you even needed armor. Once the world becomes Starwars, they won’t be able to shoot for shit!

3

u/billy_the_kid47 Sep 24 '22

Well if this is the start of Star Wars, they are gonna be clones. Which were bad ass guerilla soldiers that could break steel with their hands.

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13

u/robotlasagna Sep 24 '22

I would say; “this will make a fine addition to my collection.”

3

u/existential-mystery Sep 24 '22

will you also grow two more arms

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11

u/rayedyousif Sep 24 '22

ask for 3 more wishes

11

u/DumbestInvestorSoFar Sep 24 '22

Gonna test out how indestructible a bank vault is... just for science.

10

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '22

Learn how to use the force

10

u/Fair-Huckleberry-162 Sep 24 '22

Probably poke my eye out.

8

u/robbie5643 Sep 24 '22

The only correct answer is immediately injure yourself lmao

7

u/MrTouchysNoNoplace Sep 24 '22

Sell my plasma cutter and cut some metal!

7

u/Sensitive_Vast1618 Sep 24 '22

Spend 2 hours figuring how to ignite it

7

u/No_Zookeepergame_788 Sep 24 '22

Attach it to a celing fan and watch my friend get his dick stuck in it

3

u/liamcullins Sep 25 '22

Specifically in that order? How tall is your friend?

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6

u/ratchet0101 Sep 24 '22

Pretend I have a lightsaber penis by waving it around.

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6

u/kurt_go_bang Sep 24 '22

Probably disembowel myself.

6

u/MaelstromFL Sep 24 '22

Just to keep a Jedi warm?

4

u/Doit2it42 Sep 24 '22

And I thought you smelt bad on the outside

6

u/jabsaw2112 Sep 24 '22

Carve a jack-o-lantern.

7

u/goodBEan Sep 24 '22

go to a junk yard and try it on stuff

5

u/ONI_Operative Sep 24 '22

Execute Order 66

3

u/Ct-5736-Bladez Sep 24 '22

It will be done my lord

4

u/Taco_ivore Sep 24 '22

Probably accidentally slice off one of my hands.

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4

u/Imaginary-Slide8738 Sep 24 '22

Go and stand outside Downing Street looking menacing 😂

4

u/CAPSLOCK1111111 Sep 24 '22

Establish the high ground

4

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '22

Take away your privileges 🍆

10

u/PhD147 Sep 24 '22

Castrate every "morality police" in Iran.

9

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '22

Off myself

3

u/RichardLiquor69 Sep 24 '22

Tie it to a ceiling fan and just let it whip around until it slices through you.

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3

u/DrDough44 Sep 24 '22

Cut a watermelon

3

u/Speckled_Clout Sep 24 '22

Sell it. There's nothing good that'll come from whatever dumb ideas I have for it.

3

u/goodfurball2288 Sep 24 '22

Almost kill myself just like luke

3

u/Fred2718 Sep 25 '22

Yup. That urge to look right into the wrong end of things is what makes us human. Dumb, dead, humans.

Like my favorite lab caution sign: "Do NOT look into laser beam with remaining eye"

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3

u/Idont_even_know23 Sep 24 '22

Decapitate a karen

3

u/gettincheffywithit Sep 24 '22

Vanquish my enemies

3

u/HopeFoxCreations Sep 24 '22

Harrass, torture, and assassinate everyone I despise

6

u/Valuable-Ad-8560 Sep 24 '22

A buttplug

6

u/mack__7963 Sep 24 '22

Be sure to let reddit know how that works out 👍

2

u/Valuable-Ad-8560 Sep 24 '22

I will

3

u/mack__7963 Sep 24 '22

No pics tho..... Definitely no pics

3

u/Valuable-Ad-8560 Sep 24 '22

You don't wanna see my hairy butthole ?

2

u/kikisaurus_taco Sep 24 '22

Don't listen to them!

2

u/obiwan_kenewbie Sep 24 '22

it was to die for.

3

u/MrTouchysNoNoplace Sep 24 '22

forbidden butt plug

2

u/Guinness2702 Sep 24 '22

.... or more likely: accidentally kill myself

2

u/herestoben Sep 24 '22

See if it burns the hair off my arm.

2

u/arelul Sep 24 '22

cut cucumber

2

u/diiejso Sep 24 '22

Drive down the road holding it out the window.

2

u/Evipicc Sep 24 '22

Accidentally kill myself, no doubt...

2

u/Clintonsextapes Sep 24 '22

accidentally chop a limb off trying to do a cool trick...

2

u/i875p Sep 24 '22

Give it to scientists and let them study its powering mechanism.

2

u/JustAnotherAviatrix Sep 24 '22

Oh that's a good one!

2

u/Charger525 Sep 24 '22

Rob a bank or cut my way into Fort Knox.

2

u/Sea_Ganache620 Sep 24 '22

No doubt accidentally hurt myself, and or innocent bystanders.

2

u/matts2 Sep 24 '22

Turn it off and put it away before I hurt myself.

2

u/DearhToTheNDA Sep 24 '22

What I think would happen: sick moves and expert handling

What would actually happen: straight cutting my dick off...

2

u/two4fun42 Sep 24 '22

Definitely trim some damn tree branches around the house.

2

u/YellowStar012 Sep 24 '22

Grab a loaf of bread and cut it. Instant toast

2

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '22

Fuck some people up.

2

u/Few_Leadership8761 Sep 24 '22

Star Wars fruit ninja

2

u/TheBlackHoleOfDoom Sep 24 '22

The same thing Anakin did to those children

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2

u/SnakesInMcDonalds Sep 24 '22

Put it down and start looking for sword fighting lessons near me. I ain’t even gonna try turn that thing on before I know how to not lose an arm

2

u/RamboVXIX Sep 24 '22

Find the high ground

2

u/yeahtheresnohope Sep 24 '22

Lure child molesters into a field with candy, strap them to a wall, pull off their pants and do one big ass running dick chop.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to lure chimos other than candy or actual children, lmk.

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2

u/RosinaSheffield Sep 24 '22

I would probably just activate and deactivate it several times for the first few minutes for its sound.

2

u/TheToxicFeline Sep 24 '22

Flex on all the neighborhood kids.

2

u/robotarcher Sep 24 '22

Take the high ground!

2

u/SuvenPan Sep 24 '22

Post about it on reddit.

2

u/Midnight_Wildspirit Sep 24 '22

sell it to The Military.

2

u/Nuclear_Battery Sep 24 '22

Get to higher ground.

2

u/Brianthelion83 Sep 24 '22

Likely cut one of my own limbs off accidentally

2

u/Mijoww Sep 24 '22

Everything is a dildo if you're brave enough

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2

u/NURRRRRRD Sep 24 '22

I would probably accidentally kill myself

2

u/hellotherepeoplee Sep 24 '22

Time to cook some meat

2

u/deathlycat Sep 24 '22

Toast some garlic bread.

2

u/TheGrumpyre Sep 24 '22

Download the firmware update

2

u/jl_theprofessor Sep 24 '22

Give it away. That shit has no balance because it’s a beam of laser light on a handle. Do you know how easy it would be to lose track of its center of gravity and cut your leg off?

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2

u/Spidermeld Sep 24 '22

Get the high ground

2

u/Ladyegg55 Sep 25 '22

slice sticks of butter with it

2

u/yinerbaw Sep 25 '22

Seriously injure myself

2

u/enphurgen Sep 25 '22

Im probably going to try using it to plant my fall bulbs. I imagine it would dig a pretty good hole

2

u/unabomber_chad Sep 25 '22

Not sit on it.

2

u/kittiegoreXX Sep 25 '22

i'd try to make toast

3

u/qwertyclubs Sep 24 '22

First thing to do would definitely be to light the lightsaber. No question about it

3

u/Catacomb82 Sep 24 '22

All women are queens!

6

u/Akeruz Sep 24 '22

If she breathes... shes a THOOOOOOOOOT!

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1

u/SuvenPan Sep 24 '22

Take a selfie with it.

0

u/MasterJake16 Sep 24 '22

Auction it off to the highest bidder.

1

u/TeamGodzilla Sep 24 '22

probably cut myself.

1

u/CosmosAviaTory Sep 24 '22

Place it onto a tire and let it roll down the road (we live near to top of a mountain which has a city built onto it).

1

u/worldsbestbear Sep 24 '22

Start a boring company

1

u/Empereor_Norton Sep 24 '22

Using lightsabres it would be an exciting boring company

1

u/nonsense_popsicle Sep 24 '22

Point it at my face to look down the lightsaber hole

1

u/thatsoneuglybaby Sep 24 '22

Put it on ebay.

1

u/SiIverChari0t Sep 24 '22

heat up some of last nights dinner

1

u/3000brvincu Sep 24 '22

I would look at it where the light comes out.

1

u/Fanferfan Sep 24 '22

Shine a laser pointer on it

1

u/i_Like_subs Sep 24 '22

Look into the hilt while holding it like Luke did

1

u/NicNoletree Sep 24 '22

Clean my fingernails

1

u/bicyclewaffle Sep 24 '22

Pull a Luke

1

u/Otherwise-Mail8417 Sep 24 '22

Go to the House of Parliaments

1

u/Garden_Gn0m3 Sep 24 '22

I’d test it out on a fence first, then sell it on Craigslist

1

u/ikwngamer Sep 24 '22

See that saber over there? Now stick up my ass. Push it in and out

1

u/am_i_your Sep 24 '22

Probably drop it and hurt myself

1

u/JustAnotherAviatrix Sep 24 '22

I would wave it around just to hear the sound and then try to cut metal with it.

1

u/A40 Sep 24 '22 edited Sep 24 '22

Turn it on pointing the wrong way

1

u/am_i_your Sep 24 '22

Wonder how it's recharged

1

u/S-Markt Sep 24 '22

buying me som beskar trousers

1

u/FurbiesAreMyGods Sep 24 '22

Probably cut something of my body off